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一抹幽蓝

怀一颗感恩的心，认真地生活。对于那些过往，一笑而过！

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秋-临屏打油

2016-08-27 21:58:08| 分类：诗词、诗歌 | 标签： |举报 |字号大中小订阅

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群里临屏打油凑趣，得天外老师点评修改，感谢！

且记于此：

一群2号作品

文/一抹幽蓝

墨韵群贤晚写秋

秋心带雨难说愁

木叶萧萧随风逝

大雁队队鸣啾啾

天外点评：

一首仄起入韵式七绝，押

新韵七尤，韵正律欠。

本欲写秋抒情怀，却是愁绪绕心怀？叶落雁去，雁鸣更伤怀。全诗道尽一个愁字。

此诗稍做调整则韵律整齐，读来顺口：

墨韵群贤晚写秋

秋心带雨难说愁

萧萧木叶随风逝

大雁横空队队啾

评论这张

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